Operation Transfer Girl

 Dear Healthcare, I cannot help but feel like you are letting me down. I've turned to you on many accounts and been turned away with the same results, you barely heard me, onto the next. You tell me it is normal to struggle, that there is nothing to do, you tell me to unlearn the pain. You tell me that while most part of my body has something wrong with it that's affecting me, I am not broken. You tell me to take yet another paracetamol. I have asked you to help me live a better life and you keeping me on the edge where I cope, and I should because, as you say, it is what it is. I don't think I am asking too much. I am not asking you to perform miracles. I am not asking you to deal with all that's in my head; I am not asking you to provide me with a shoulder to cry on, to untangle my thoughts. I don't expect me to make my worries go away, to shush the voices in my brain, to reason for me to keep going, to pour will-power in me when the existential dread hits. I do a...

 I can talk about how much I love my partner or how excited I am about moving in together for hours. I actively am planning our wedding, and think about wanting babies at least 3 times a day. But I am also going to be the person that says you do not need any of those to be a full, happy, successful person. Maybe you don't have those things, or not all of them, because you can't, couldn't so far, or you just don't want to have those things, and that is absolutely fine. We are all in different stages of life. I, for instance, had finished my 2nd degree by the time my partner started his first, and there is only 10 months difference in age between us. I have managed people twice my age at work, and I know many of the younger generation earns double my wage. We go through life differently, because of the choices we make. Society, and many people within, has a rough outline on what the stages should be in which phase of aging, like check-points in a videogame. Unfortunately,...

 It has been a year since we started to feel the consequences of a global pandemic. A year since people stopped going into work, a year since we downloaded Tiktok, a year since we started wearing our masks and gloves. So many things had changed within the space of few weeks, businesses closed, people stuck together and torn apart. The normal flow of life had slowed down and sped up, changed courses and swapped priorities. Do you ever think, what if Covid-19 never hit? Where would you be? What would be different and what would be the same? If you were back waking up in your bed on the 28th February 2020, what would be your first thoughts of hope on how your day will look like? Around that time, I was excited for a change, excited for packing up and leaving, leaving my job, leaving my house, my friends, the city, leaving it all to start again. I was excited for an opportunity, one that comes around once in your life, a promotion with a life upgrade. Including a move and life-style ch...

 Hi, I'm Lilla, and I am not perfect, but I am trying. I have been very self-absorbed in the past, selfish, if you will. Depression and existential dread often does that to you. I wasn't malicious I just didn't care, but also I didn't think me changing my ways will help the bigger picture, even more so, me changing wouldn't be enough, or I couldn't change enough to make it count. And that's where I was wrong. Every little thing we do better are helping to be better. I have recently seen a woman talking about going vegan, being vegan, and the reaction she often gets from people. Yes, I am getting inspo from tiktok anecdotes,  what are you going to do about it? She said that way too many people want to make the step but can't give up one or two things, because they are necessary in their diets, or those are their favourite foods. She said that this shouldn't hold someone back from giving up all the other things though. And that very much resonated with...

This might be controversial, and it will be a messy blob of words but this is what I think, and I am not really sure yet how to explain... I know I wrote about their expectations and ours in part one, where I went on about how I have very specific standards I want to uphold myself to, while my partner loves me the same. You could say, it's never about the looks, he loves what's inside, not what's on the outside. On the other hand, I had boyfriends in the past who would only pay real attention to me if I stayed under a certain weight. When I felt he had been drifting away from me, I just had to make sure my ribs were showing under my top. So I am true advocate of people not telling their partners how they should look in order to love them and stay with them. To an extent. I still think it is important to understand that we all have preferences, because, with all honesty, we do find some people attractive for certain attributes, and looks are included in that. And I don't...

 2020 was a pretty horrendous year, that's no news. Many horrible things happened, I have been lucky enough that me and my family have not been struck by coronavirus. Lucky, or sensible? Could the majority of people have avoided the devastation by being more careful? I can't and won't judge that. And as the self-centred person I am, this is about me and my year. Not a BBC news recap. 2020 was a pretty horrendous year, that's no news. I haven't been to Hungary since February. I have barely seen my relatives this year. I have been furloughed, leaving me and my messed up mind to my own devices. This is because my workplace shut. The once thriving and overbooked hotel was empty. Then when it reopened, it struggled, it changed, it was hurting, the team reduced, closed, opened, closed, half opened - changed. And it still hasn't settled. It's uncertain. My career, on hold. Had three amazing job opportunities this year. All three, disappeared. One came back. I stepp...

"You are lucky you came to see me today. He is working late today" she said and peered out the window as she was sipping her coffee. "His office is on the other side of the city darling" I rolled my eyes. I took the tea bag out of my mug. It has been soaking in there for a while now, the liquid was dark, just like her eyes. "What are you afraid of? I know he doesn't like me, after how our friendship has ended, but that was years ago, he must..." "You don't understand, there is no point arguing with him, he just doesn't see why I should keep contact with you. I will just tell him I had my lunch break with Tiff." I had just turned up at her office 20 minutes ago and convinced her to have coffee with me. It was a sudden idea, I was in the neighbourhood and after all, we had history, we were friends back then. "Do you still travel a lot?" she changed the subject nervously. Another sip from her coffee, even though it was stil...

If they treat you as an option,                                                 be their best opportunity missed. If they treat you as a chance,                                                 be their best decision made. Moo.

As I am one "have a great day!" Spotify playlist and a borrowed vape away from having my daily breakdowns, the familiar bittersweet feeling of burnout starts to fill my lungs again. I must be short fused you say, I just had 3 months of no work but that ain't this easy. Partly, it had made it even worse. While being on furlough with high functioning depression did its damage, I also managed to recharge a lot. I didn't know I will start caring again so much about work, it's not like I planned it this way, okay? But I do. And caring about something you convinced yourself to let go, putting your 110% effort in before giving it all up is quite frankly 1. exhausting 2. unappreciated 3. stupid. But I guess I have never been the smart one.

Alright, I have a confession to make. I have become one of those people. I have a day planner. And I take it with me. Everywhere. If you are wondering what is that one item I keep in my bag all the time, then now you know, it is my academic diary. I did, in fact, leave my purse at home the other day accidentally, but not the diary. If you call me to arrange a meeting with me, I would be quoting Tilly from Miranda (the show), and you would hear " bare with " at least three times, while I grab my planner from my bag. If you ask me about my availability by text, I might as well just send you a picture of the questionable week. But without a diary, how would I know, which job to turn up to, or if my training starts at 15 or 30 past. Or if it is the kind of lecture you can turn up to hangover, or in pyjamas. Or both. I mark the dates when student finance comes in, with the amount and a smiley face, and mark the days of rent with the amount and a big-big sad face. I write ...

Dear Arthur, As I am getting closer and closer to the end of yet another period of my lifetime, I often evaluate the things I have learnt and gained from these experiences. Spending a year in Bristol for my placement was mostly supposed to be about my profession, about work and learning about my industry. It was also an opportunity to meet new people. I made two different types of acquaintances, I made connections, the ones useful for my future, and I made friends. But is it possible to become friends in such short time? Is time really relevant to the quality of friendship? You will see, soon enough, what really is important and what isn't; though I assume it can be different for each person. For me, all those little things count. Having common interests and being able to spend time together sometimes aren't the aspects that make a friendship truly meaningful. But knowing those little things about each other, showing that the other's personality is interesting an...

Dear Arthur, Today we celebrate your first six months of existence. I believe by the time you ever find these letters, you will be old enough just to understand the things I am going to tell you. May the odds be in your favour for you not to go through some of the battles I have conquered, lost, fought and yet to face in life, but I truly wish you will be able to see some of the rainbows of the sky and the silver linings of the clouds that shown themselves to me in the past years. Let me just say it, as it is the most important thing I will ever tell you, and I am sure I will keep repeating this until my last breath: You are simply a miracle. I am still not sure if I believe in miracles at all. Usually if they do happen, they don't last long, therefore you are the only one that I know will last. Life doesn't just give good things to you, handing them out like they are going out of date. You need to fight for them, you need to work for achievements, for recognitio...

Once a very wise person told me "you have time for anything if you make time for it yourself". And it is one of the biggest truths I have ever been taught. If you really want something to happen, you just need to make it happen. If I really wanted to iron my shirt in the morning, I would have spent less time in the shower, and spend that extra 3 minutes sorting out my uniform. If I really cared to get somewhere in time, I would have made sure to catch the right bus. If I really wanted to see someone, I would have made time for them. If I really wanted to achieve my goal, I would have fought for it more. If I really cared for other people, I would have tried to do everything to help them out. If I really wanted you in my life, then I  would have made the effort to make it happen.  There is so little we can control in the world, but there is so much we can do in life. But it is easier to find the excuses and to say no, I couldn't do anythi...

When I was young, I always wanted to just grow up and get started on my career. I could not wait to start working, that is why I looked for my first job as soon as I turned 16. In England, after you finish your GCSEs and turn 16, you can leave education and start "the big LIFE". In Hungary, you need to finish high school, and be 18 to start working properly. And even though I was all about working, I went to university because I thought it was very important. (This might be because of the Hungarian mentality of needing to get papers of your education, and the general push towards higher education. I think it is a great approach, however, it can be quite off-putting for the less ambitious teens.) At university, I was determined to find a job straight away, not just because I needed to support myself financially, or because I understand the importance of job experience in the future, but because I really wanted to. I still have two part time jobs alongside my studies, and I ...

...Who we trust to rescue us from the fire  but would question twice when they hand over a beverage. ... Akiben megbízunk, hogy kiment az égő házból, de kétszer meggondoljuk, hogy mit rakott az italunkba.

I believe in three types of people. The reasons, the excuses and the mute. Decisions are hard. Period. They can hurt. As well. Both the ones making up their minds and the ones nearby. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. And there is nothing to be judged about that. You have got to a point in life where you are presented with an option or another way, and it is completely natural to do what is the best for you. Good for you! At the end of the day, you are who matters the most to you. But it also matters how you handle it. How you go through with it. If in doubt, it is human instinct to justify ourselves, our decisions. The reasons are the ones who will be out and open, letting the truth take the blame. They are the bravest for standing to be judged, and for believing in their own right. The excuses will live up to this instinct fully by putting themselves in a light that others won't judge. Could be lies, could be exaggeration, and also could be done completely uninte...

As someone who is likely to worry too much -  To consider the options one can say. To consider all the outcomes of each option. To rephrase it a billion times. To write a whole novel, then to delete it. To think of a good comeback for all the possible answers. To do the whole thing all over again. To go mad and anxious. Then to realise, there is the option of silence. Why to sweat it, when to stay out of the way is so much easier? It is a statement. Like it can be done just like that. To stay quite and have all those worries come back. Should of said anything? All the right things come to mind at this point. All the reasons to speak up. The head just gets filled with anxiety, what ifs, anger and desperation. To realise, the silence can go unnoticed so easily. To realise, it is possibly the bitchiest move. To realise it wasn't even heard. Then to notice, all this time, just been silly. There is probably nothing wrong. It is just in the head. And the longer the thoughts ...

Sometimes I am worried I might be schizophrenic . But then I just tell myself there is nothing wrong with us . ***