Operation Transfer Girl

This might be controversial, and it will be a messy blob of words but this is what I think, and I am not really sure yet how to explain... I know I wrote about their expectations and ours in part one, where I went on about how I have very specific standards I want to uphold myself to, while my partner loves me the same. You could say, it's never about the looks, he loves what's inside, not what's on the outside. On the other hand, I had boyfriends in the past who would only pay real attention to me if I stayed under a certain weight. When I felt he had been drifting away from me, I just had to make sure my ribs were showing under my top. So I am true advocate of people not telling their partners how they should look in order to love them and stay with them. To an extent. I still think it is important to understand that we all have preferences, because, with all honesty, we do find some people attractive for certain attributes, and looks are included in that. And I don't...

 What I remember is this: I was always wanting more, to do more, to be more. The need for accomplishment? Need for approval? Not ever feeling enough? Being scared of missing out? All of the above and more (see what I did there?). But what I remember is that I usually finished the general tasks quick, so I had time and brain power for the extra bits. That I liked doing the extracurricular activities, the additional homework, because they were always so much more exciting, actually making my brain work. Also knew that if I did the extra homework, then they gain advantage against future slacking on the every-day boring stuff, sort of banking it against them. I signed up to drawing and writing competitions, so I don't have to be in school for a day, volunteered to help the teachers so I can skip the downtime of being on the school yard. I did have friends, I liked playing with others and I enjoyed learning. But doing different things from the routine had a thrill. Trying to not miss ou...

 In 2020 I fell in love twice. This is about the first one. About same time last year, I was stupidly in love but in a fairy tale, unlikely match, destined to be doomed fashion. The spark, amazing, the intellectual connection, faultless, the support, what I always deserved. People told me, I was beaming happiness. I found love like never before. And it made me a better person. Little hurdles and inconveniences didn't flip me out as they used to. I was calm, collected and accepting. They gave me all the attention I wanted, the praise, the love. And I gave them my all, they entered my world and I handed the whole to them. I absorbed them and they absorbed me. They knew me better than I knew myself, and I understood them like I never understood anyone before. It wasn't obsessive. But I felt really loved, and happy about that love. It was love I never knew before. The right love. The relationship, as almost non-existent, I am reluctant to call it that, was short lived. While the lo...

 2020 was a pretty horrendous year, that's no news. Many horrible things happened, I have been lucky enough that me and my family have not been struck by coronavirus. Lucky, or sensible? Could the majority of people have avoided the devastation by being more careful? I can't and won't judge that. And as the self-centred person I am, this is about me and my year. Not a BBC news recap. 2020 was a pretty horrendous year, that's no news. I haven't been to Hungary since February. I have barely seen my relatives this year. I have been furloughed, leaving me and my messed up mind to my own devices. This is because my workplace shut. The once thriving and overbooked hotel was empty. Then when it reopened, it struggled, it changed, it was hurting, the team reduced, closed, opened, closed, half opened - changed. And it still hasn't settled. It's uncertain. My career, on hold. Had three amazing job opportunities this year. All three, disappeared. One came back. I stepp...

"You are lucky you came to see me today. He is working late today" she said and peered out the window as she was sipping her coffee. "His office is on the other side of the city darling" I rolled my eyes. I took the tea bag out of my mug. It has been soaking in there for a while now, the liquid was dark, just like her eyes. "What are you afraid of? I know he doesn't like me, after how our friendship has ended, but that was years ago, he must..." "You don't understand, there is no point arguing with him, he just doesn't see why I should keep contact with you. I will just tell him I had my lunch break with Tiff." I had just turned up at her office 20 minutes ago and convinced her to have coffee with me. It was a sudden idea, I was in the neighbourhood and after all, we had history, we were friends back then. "Do you still travel a lot?" she changed the subject nervously. Another sip from her coffee, even though it was stil...

If they treat you as an option,                                                 be their best opportunity missed. If they treat you as a chance,                                                 be their best decision made. Moo.

Once a very wise person told me "you have time for anything if you make time for it yourself". And it is one of the biggest truths I have ever been taught. If you really want something to happen, you just need to make it happen. If I really wanted to iron my shirt in the morning, I would have spent less time in the shower, and spend that extra 3 minutes sorting out my uniform. If I really cared to get somewhere in time, I would have made sure to catch the right bus. If I really wanted to see someone, I would have made time for them. If I really wanted to achieve my goal, I would have fought for it more. If I really cared for other people, I would have tried to do everything to help them out. If I really wanted you in my life, then I  would have made the effort to make it happen.  There is so little we can control in the world, but there is so much we can do in life. But it is easier to find the excuses and to say no, I couldn't do anythi...

Stop being a worrier and be a f*cking warrior. You will thank me. Kind regards, Lilla

I believe in three types of people. The reasons, the excuses and the mute. Decisions are hard. Period. They can hurt. As well. Both the ones making up their minds and the ones nearby. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. And there is nothing to be judged about that. You have got to a point in life where you are presented with an option or another way, and it is completely natural to do what is the best for you. Good for you! At the end of the day, you are who matters the most to you. But it also matters how you handle it. How you go through with it. If in doubt, it is human instinct to justify ourselves, our decisions. The reasons are the ones who will be out and open, letting the truth take the blame. They are the bravest for standing to be judged, and for believing in their own right. The excuses will live up to this instinct fully by putting themselves in a light that others won't judge. Could be lies, could be exaggeration, and also could be done completely uninte...

When sh*t hits the fan, everyone reacts differently. Some will leave the sinking ship. Some will lurk in the background to wait out their moment. Some will shift to the other side and betray all they had believed in. And some of us will try to just somehow put up with it. Not because we want to. Not because we can. But because we must. But what happens when all method, all routine known to oneself fails to get you over it. When you try everything that has ever occurred to you let it be legal or not. When the exercise does not take your mind off of things, when the cake doesn't taste as good, when the cut just can't be deep enough to hurt, when the drunkenness is just bitter sweet and when the shoulders you need the most are not there to cry on. When there is nothing that shouts: you need to survive. Do you know what you do then? You get your f*cking act together and take your fabulous self back in the front line. Not just because you must. But because you can and you bloody w...

As someone who is likely to worry too much -  To consider the options one can say. To consider all the outcomes of each option. To rephrase it a billion times. To write a whole novel, then to delete it. To think of a good comeback for all the possible answers. To do the whole thing all over again. To go mad and anxious. Then to realise, there is the option of silence. Why to sweat it, when to stay out of the way is so much easier? It is a statement. Like it can be done just like that. To stay quite and have all those worries come back. Should of said anything? All the right things come to mind at this point. All the reasons to speak up. The head just gets filled with anxiety, what ifs, anger and desperation. To realise, the silence can go unnoticed so easily. To realise, it is possibly the bitchiest move. To realise it wasn't even heard. Then to notice, all this time, just been silly. There is probably nothing wrong. It is just in the head. And the longer the thoughts ...

Sometimes I am worried I might be schizophrenic . But then I just tell myself there is nothing wrong with us . ***