Operation Transfer Girl

 Dear Healthcare, I cannot help but feel like you are letting me down. I've turned to you on many accounts and been turned away with the same results, you barely heard me, onto the next. You tell me it is normal to struggle, that there is nothing to do, you tell me to unlearn the pain. You tell me that while most part of my body has something wrong with it that's affecting me, I am not broken. You tell me to take yet another paracetamol. I have asked you to help me live a better life and you keeping me on the edge where I cope, and I should because, as you say, it is what it is. I don't think I am asking too much. I am not asking you to perform miracles. I am not asking you to deal with all that's in my head; I am not asking you to provide me with a shoulder to cry on, to untangle my thoughts. I don't expect me to make my worries go away, to shush the voices in my brain, to reason for me to keep going, to pour will-power in me when the existential dread hits. I do a...

 I can talk about how much I love my partner or how excited I am about moving in together for hours. I actively am planning our wedding, and think about wanting babies at least 3 times a day. But I am also going to be the person that says you do not need any of those to be a full, happy, successful person. Maybe you don't have those things, or not all of them, because you can't, couldn't so far, or you just don't want to have those things, and that is absolutely fine. We are all in different stages of life. I, for instance, had finished my 2nd degree by the time my partner started his first, and there is only 10 months difference in age between us. I have managed people twice my age at work, and I know many of the younger generation earns double my wage. We go through life differently, because of the choices we make. Society, and many people within, has a rough outline on what the stages should be in which phase of aging, like check-points in a videogame. Unfortunately,...

 Hi, I'm Lilla, and I am not perfect, but I am trying. I have been very self-absorbed in the past, selfish, if you will. Depression and existential dread often does that to you. I wasn't malicious I just didn't care, but also I didn't think me changing my ways will help the bigger picture, even more so, me changing wouldn't be enough, or I couldn't change enough to make it count. And that's where I was wrong. Every little thing we do better are helping to be better. I have recently seen a woman talking about going vegan, being vegan, and the reaction she often gets from people. Yes, I am getting inspo from tiktok anecdotes,  what are you going to do about it? She said that way too many people want to make the step but can't give up one or two things, because they are necessary in their diets, or those are their favourite foods. She said that this shouldn't hold someone back from giving up all the other things though. And that very much resonated with...

 I couldn't tell you where this memory/thought process came from, but I thought I would share it with you, maybe someone can relate. I always find myself in the same position, regardless my age: adults trusting me with their absence. Let me explain. My mother worked in a children's hospital when I was in my early to mid teens. She would work on A&E and that means long hours, so I often went to visit her if she was behind the reception in the afternoon, on evenings or on weekends. It was just normal to pop in, or stick around if I was waiting for an appointment for myself in a different department. Now, fair enough, most of my mother's colleagues knew me, so they had no problems with me sticking around in the staff room, or even behind the desk. But why they allowed me to talk to patients (they often assumed I was an employee or an intern), record their details on the computer or walk them down to the correct examination room is way beyond me. Another example: I don'...

This might be controversial, and it will be a messy blob of words but this is what I think, and I am not really sure yet how to explain... I know I wrote about their expectations and ours in part one, where I went on about how I have very specific standards I want to uphold myself to, while my partner loves me the same. You could say, it's never about the looks, he loves what's inside, not what's on the outside. On the other hand, I had boyfriends in the past who would only pay real attention to me if I stayed under a certain weight. When I felt he had been drifting away from me, I just had to make sure my ribs were showing under my top. So I am true advocate of people not telling their partners how they should look in order to love them and stay with them. To an extent. I still think it is important to understand that we all have preferences, because, with all honesty, we do find some people attractive for certain attributes, and looks are included in that. And I don't...

 2020 was a pretty horrendous year, that's no news. Many horrible things happened, I have been lucky enough that me and my family have not been struck by coronavirus. Lucky, or sensible? Could the majority of people have avoided the devastation by being more careful? I can't and won't judge that. And as the self-centred person I am, this is about me and my year. Not a BBC news recap. 2020 was a pretty horrendous year, that's no news. I haven't been to Hungary since February. I have barely seen my relatives this year. I have been furloughed, leaving me and my messed up mind to my own devices. This is because my workplace shut. The once thriving and overbooked hotel was empty. Then when it reopened, it struggled, it changed, it was hurting, the team reduced, closed, opened, closed, half opened - changed. And it still hasn't settled. It's uncertain. My career, on hold. Had three amazing job opportunities this year. All three, disappeared. One came back. I stepp...

"You are lucky you came to see me today. He is working late today" she said and peered out the window as she was sipping her coffee. "His office is on the other side of the city darling" I rolled my eyes. I took the tea bag out of my mug. It has been soaking in there for a while now, the liquid was dark, just like her eyes. "What are you afraid of? I know he doesn't like me, after how our friendship has ended, but that was years ago, he must..." "You don't understand, there is no point arguing with him, he just doesn't see why I should keep contact with you. I will just tell him I had my lunch break with Tiff." I had just turned up at her office 20 minutes ago and convinced her to have coffee with me. It was a sudden idea, I was in the neighbourhood and after all, we had history, we were friends back then. "Do you still travel a lot?" she changed the subject nervously. Another sip from her coffee, even though it was stil...

As I am one "have a great day!" Spotify playlist and a borrowed vape away from having my daily breakdowns, the familiar bittersweet feeling of burnout starts to fill my lungs again. I must be short fused you say, I just had 3 months of no work but that ain't this easy. Partly, it had made it even worse. While being on furlough with high functioning depression did its damage, I also managed to recharge a lot. I didn't know I will start caring again so much about work, it's not like I planned it this way, okay? But I do. And caring about something you convinced yourself to let go, putting your 110% effort in before giving it all up is quite frankly 1. exhausting 2. unappreciated 3. stupid. But I guess I have never been the smart one.

Dear Arthur, Today we celebrate your first six months of existence. I believe by the time you ever find these letters, you will be old enough just to understand the things I am going to tell you. May the odds be in your favour for you not to go through some of the battles I have conquered, lost, fought and yet to face in life, but I truly wish you will be able to see some of the rainbows of the sky and the silver linings of the clouds that shown themselves to me in the past years. Let me just say it, as it is the most important thing I will ever tell you, and I am sure I will keep repeating this until my last breath: You are simply a miracle. I am still not sure if I believe in miracles at all. Usually if they do happen, they don't last long, therefore you are the only one that I know will last. Life doesn't just give good things to you, handing them out like they are going out of date. You need to fight for them, you need to work for achievements, for recognitio...

Stop being a worrier and be a f*cking warrior. You will thank me. Kind regards, Lilla

...Who we trust to rescue us from the fire  but would question twice when they hand over a beverage. ... Akiben megbízunk, hogy kiment az égő házból, de kétszer meggondoljuk, hogy mit rakott az italunkba.

I believe in three types of people. The reasons, the excuses and the mute. Decisions are hard. Period. They can hurt. As well. Both the ones making up their minds and the ones nearby. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. And there is nothing to be judged about that. You have got to a point in life where you are presented with an option or another way, and it is completely natural to do what is the best for you. Good for you! At the end of the day, you are who matters the most to you. But it also matters how you handle it. How you go through with it. If in doubt, it is human instinct to justify ourselves, our decisions. The reasons are the ones who will be out and open, letting the truth take the blame. They are the bravest for standing to be judged, and for believing in their own right. The excuses will live up to this instinct fully by putting themselves in a light that others won't judge. Could be lies, could be exaggeration, and also could be done completely uninte...

When sh*t hits the fan, everyone reacts differently. Some will leave the sinking ship. Some will lurk in the background to wait out their moment. Some will shift to the other side and betray all they had believed in. And some of us will try to just somehow put up with it. Not because we want to. Not because we can. But because we must. But what happens when all method, all routine known to oneself fails to get you over it. When you try everything that has ever occurred to you let it be legal or not. When the exercise does not take your mind off of things, when the cake doesn't taste as good, when the cut just can't be deep enough to hurt, when the drunkenness is just bitter sweet and when the shoulders you need the most are not there to cry on. When there is nothing that shouts: you need to survive. Do you know what you do then? You get your f*cking act together and take your fabulous self back in the front line. Not just because you must. But because you can and you bloody w...