Operation Transfer Girl

"You are lucky you came to see me today. He is working late today" she said and peered out the window as she was sipping her coffee. "His office is on the other side of the city darling" I rolled my eyes. I took the tea bag out of my mug. It has been soaking in there for a while now, the liquid was dark, just like her eyes. "What are you afraid of? I know he doesn't like me, after how our friendship has ended, but that was years ago, he must..." "You don't understand, there is no point arguing with him, he just doesn't see why I should keep contact with you. I will just tell him I had my lunch break with Tiff." I had just turned up at her office 20 minutes ago and convinced her to have coffee with me. It was a sudden idea, I was in the neighbourhood and after all, we had history, we were friends back then. "Do you still travel a lot?" she changed the subject nervously. Another sip from her coffee, even though it was stil...

If they treat you as an option,                                                 be their best opportunity missed. If they treat you as a chance,                                                 be their best decision made. Moo.

As I am one "have a great day!" Spotify playlist and a borrowed vape away from having my daily breakdowns, the familiar bittersweet feeling of burnout starts to fill my lungs again. I must be short fused you say, I just had 3 months of no work but that ain't this easy. Partly, it had made it even worse. While being on furlough with high functioning depression did its damage, I also managed to recharge a lot. I didn't know I will start caring again so much about work, it's not like I planned it this way, okay? But I do. And caring about something you convinced yourself to let go, putting your 110% effort in before giving it all up is quite frankly 1. exhausting 2. unappreciated 3. stupid. But I guess I have never been the smart one.

Dear Arthur, As I am getting closer and closer to the end of yet another period of my lifetime, I often evaluate the things I have learnt and gained from these experiences. Spending a year in Bristol for my placement was mostly supposed to be about my profession, about work and learning about my industry. It was also an opportunity to meet new people. I made two different types of acquaintances, I made connections, the ones useful for my future, and I made friends. But is it possible to become friends in such short time? Is time really relevant to the quality of friendship? You will see, soon enough, what really is important and what isn't; though I assume it can be different for each person. For me, all those little things count. Having common interests and being able to spend time together sometimes aren't the aspects that make a friendship truly meaningful. But knowing those little things about each other, showing that the other's personality is interesting an...

Dear Arthur, Today we celebrate your first six months of existence. I believe by the time you ever find these letters, you will be old enough just to understand the things I am going to tell you. May the odds be in your favour for you not to go through some of the battles I have conquered, lost, fought and yet to face in life, but I truly wish you will be able to see some of the rainbows of the sky and the silver linings of the clouds that shown themselves to me in the past years. Let me just say it, as it is the most important thing I will ever tell you, and I am sure I will keep repeating this until my last breath: You are simply a miracle. I am still not sure if I believe in miracles at all. Usually if they do happen, they don't last long, therefore you are the only one that I know will last. Life doesn't just give good things to you, handing them out like they are going out of date. You need to fight for them, you need to work for achievements, for recognitio...

Once a very wise person told me "you have time for anything if you make time for it yourself". And it is one of the biggest truths I have ever been taught. If you really want something to happen, you just need to make it happen. If I really wanted to iron my shirt in the morning, I would have spent less time in the shower, and spend that extra 3 minutes sorting out my uniform. If I really cared to get somewhere in time, I would have made sure to catch the right bus. If I really wanted to see someone, I would have made time for them. If I really wanted to achieve my goal, I would have fought for it more. If I really cared for other people, I would have tried to do everything to help them out. If I really wanted you in my life, then I  would have made the effort to make it happen.  There is so little we can control in the world, but there is so much we can do in life. But it is easier to find the excuses and to say no, I couldn't do anythi...

Stop being a worrier and be a f*cking warrior. You will thank me. Kind regards, Lilla

I believe in three types of people. The reasons, the excuses and the mute. Decisions are hard. Period. They can hurt. As well. Both the ones making up their minds and the ones nearby. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. And there is nothing to be judged about that. You have got to a point in life where you are presented with an option or another way, and it is completely natural to do what is the best for you. Good for you! At the end of the day, you are who matters the most to you. But it also matters how you handle it. How you go through with it. If in doubt, it is human instinct to justify ourselves, our decisions. The reasons are the ones who will be out and open, letting the truth take the blame. They are the bravest for standing to be judged, and for believing in their own right. The excuses will live up to this instinct fully by putting themselves in a light that others won't judge. Could be lies, could be exaggeration, and also could be done completely uninte...

When sh*t hits the fan, everyone reacts differently. Some will leave the sinking ship. Some will lurk in the background to wait out their moment. Some will shift to the other side and betray all they had believed in. And some of us will try to just somehow put up with it. Not because we want to. Not because we can. But because we must. But what happens when all method, all routine known to oneself fails to get you over it. When you try everything that has ever occurred to you let it be legal or not. When the exercise does not take your mind off of things, when the cake doesn't taste as good, when the cut just can't be deep enough to hurt, when the drunkenness is just bitter sweet and when the shoulders you need the most are not there to cry on. When there is nothing that shouts: you need to survive. Do you know what you do then? You get your f*cking act together and take your fabulous self back in the front line. Not just because you must. But because you can and you bloody w...

As someone who is likely to worry too much -  To consider the options one can say. To consider all the outcomes of each option. To rephrase it a billion times. To write a whole novel, then to delete it. To think of a good comeback for all the possible answers. To do the whole thing all over again. To go mad and anxious. Then to realise, there is the option of silence. Why to sweat it, when to stay out of the way is so much easier? It is a statement. Like it can be done just like that. To stay quite and have all those worries come back. Should of said anything? All the right things come to mind at this point. All the reasons to speak up. The head just gets filled with anxiety, what ifs, anger and desperation. To realise, the silence can go unnoticed so easily. To realise, it is possibly the bitchiest move. To realise it wasn't even heard. Then to notice, all this time, just been silly. There is probably nothing wrong. It is just in the head. And the longer the thoughts ...

Sometimes I am worried I might be schizophrenic . But then I just tell myself there is nothing wrong with us . ***