Operation Transfer Girl

 2020 was a pretty horrendous year, that's no news. Many horrible things happened, I have been lucky enough that me and my family have not been struck by coronavirus. Lucky, or sensible? Could the majority of people have avoided the devastation by being more careful? I can't and won't judge that. And as the self-centred person I am, this is about me and my year. Not a BBC news recap. 2020 was a pretty horrendous year, that's no news. I haven't been to Hungary since February. I have barely seen my relatives this year. I have been furloughed, leaving me and my messed up mind to my own devices. This is because my workplace shut. The once thriving and overbooked hotel was empty. Then when it reopened, it struggled, it changed, it was hurting, the team reduced, closed, opened, closed, half opened - changed. And it still hasn't settled. It's uncertain. My career, on hold. Had three amazing job opportunities this year. All three, disappeared. One came back. I stepp...

If they treat you as an option,                                                 be their best opportunity missed. If they treat you as a chance,                                                 be their best decision made. Moo.

As I am one "have a great day!" Spotify playlist and a borrowed vape away from having my daily breakdowns, the familiar bittersweet feeling of burnout starts to fill my lungs again. I must be short fused you say, I just had 3 months of no work but that ain't this easy. Partly, it had made it even worse. While being on furlough with high functioning depression did its damage, I also managed to recharge a lot. I didn't know I will start caring again so much about work, it's not like I planned it this way, okay? But I do. And caring about something you convinced yourself to let go, putting your 110% effort in before giving it all up is quite frankly 1. exhausting 2. unappreciated 3. stupid. But I guess I have never been the smart one.

Dear Arthur, As I am getting closer and closer to the end of yet another period of my lifetime, I often evaluate the things I have learnt and gained from these experiences. Spending a year in Bristol for my placement was mostly supposed to be about my profession, about work and learning about my industry. It was also an opportunity to meet new people. I made two different types of acquaintances, I made connections, the ones useful for my future, and I made friends. But is it possible to become friends in such short time? Is time really relevant to the quality of friendship? You will see, soon enough, what really is important and what isn't; though I assume it can be different for each person. For me, all those little things count. Having common interests and being able to spend time together sometimes aren't the aspects that make a friendship truly meaningful. But knowing those little things about each other, showing that the other's personality is interesting an...

I went to watch my friend playing volleyball for the first time. Their team was just a group of friends who decided to join a charity tournament ( that was my brief understanding of the situation anyway, but don't hold me to it). I was sitting on the side on my own and all those sweet memories came back from high school. I did my fair share of volleyball, have a few years behind me. Practised weekly, was on the school team and we entered competitions in season. Watching them made me think about the other girls, how strong they were, how hard we fought and how big part of my life it was back then. I remembered all those little things we did as a routine during the game, who was the best at what, what my strength was, and suddenly I wanted to get on the game. But then I was watching the game, and someone made a mistake. And all those memories of shame, pain and humiliation hit me at once. We were fighting hard, but it was never enough. We put all the sweat and time in every move...

Dear Arthur, Today we celebrate your first six months of existence. I believe by the time you ever find these letters, you will be old enough just to understand the things I am going to tell you. May the odds be in your favour for you not to go through some of the battles I have conquered, lost, fought and yet to face in life, but I truly wish you will be able to see some of the rainbows of the sky and the silver linings of the clouds that shown themselves to me in the past years. Let me just say it, as it is the most important thing I will ever tell you, and I am sure I will keep repeating this until my last breath: You are simply a miracle. I am still not sure if I believe in miracles at all. Usually if they do happen, they don't last long, therefore you are the only one that I know will last. Life doesn't just give good things to you, handing them out like they are going out of date. You need to fight for them, you need to work for achievements, for recognitio...

Once a very wise person told me "you have time for anything if you make time for it yourself". And it is one of the biggest truths I have ever been taught. If you really want something to happen, you just need to make it happen. If I really wanted to iron my shirt in the morning, I would have spent less time in the shower, and spend that extra 3 minutes sorting out my uniform. If I really cared to get somewhere in time, I would have made sure to catch the right bus. If I really wanted to see someone, I would have made time for them. If I really wanted to achieve my goal, I would have fought for it more. If I really cared for other people, I would have tried to do everything to help them out. If I really wanted you in my life, then I  would have made the effort to make it happen.  There is so little we can control in the world, but there is so much we can do in life. But it is easier to find the excuses and to say no, I couldn't do anythi...

Stop being a worrier and be a f*cking warrior. You will thank me. Kind regards, Lilla