About a letter to healthcare

 Dear Healthcare,

I cannot help but feel like you are letting me down. I've turned to you on many accounts and been turned away with the same results, you barely heard me, onto the next. You tell me it is normal to struggle, that there is nothing to do, you tell me to unlearn the pain. You tell me that while most part of my body has something wrong with it that's affecting me, I am not broken. You tell me to take yet another paracetamol. I have asked you to help me live a better life and you keeping me on the edge where I cope, and I should because, as you say, it is what it is.

I don't think I am asking too much. I am not asking you to perform miracles. I am not asking you to deal with all that's in my head; I am not asking you to provide me with a shoulder to cry on, to untangle my thoughts. I don't expect me to make my worries go away, to shush the voices in my brain, to reason for me to keep going, to pour will-power in me when the existential dread hits. I do all of those, because I learnt from society that it is what you are meant to do, due to stigma, due to the pressure you are expected to carry, and the extensive waiting lists. I do all of those myself, because I learnt how to deal with all that inside, how to manage that part of me because, as we say, it is what it is.

So all I am asking you is to help keep this vessel of turbulent thoughts and feelings in one piece so I can direct my focus on keep on going and not giving it all up. I know I haven't been kind to my body in the past, it has been the punching bag of society standards', others, and my own. I used to hate it as the link to reality and the representation of being alive, and a less desirable one in my eyes, if anything.

And I still don't love it but I love all the things I get to do with it, all the things that aid me in aiding my mind, both the creative and the fucked up part of my brain. I still don't love my body but there are people in my life that do and that are grateful for it to stay in one piece, and who hate the fact that I am in pain and you are letting me stay in pain.

I am not asking miracles. I am just asking you to help me keep on managing it all. I am willing to put in the work, I just need you to finally listen.

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