About their expectations #2 - the preference edition

This might be controversial, and it will be a messy blob of words but this is what I think, and I am not really sure yet how to explain... I know I wrote about their expectations and ours in part one, where I went on about how I have very specific standards I want to uphold myself to, while my partner loves me the same. You could say, it's never about the looks, he loves what's inside, not what's on the outside. On the other hand, I had boyfriends in the past who would only pay real attention to me if I stayed under a certain weight. When I felt he had been drifting away from me, I just had to make sure my ribs were showing under my top. So I am true advocate of people not telling their partners how they should look in order to love them and stay with them. To an extent.

I still think it is important to understand that we all have preferences, because, with all honesty, we do find some people attractive for certain attributes, and looks are included in that. And I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I am sure we have all met people in our lives who we clicked very well with, but physically, they just didn't do it for us. I have a few friends of the opposite sex that I am closer with than many of my girl friends and rumours flew around about us, and with all honesty, we just didn't see each other as "potential mates". Frankly, the thought of them naked would make feel sick (sorry). And it works both ways, we can be attracted to people that we are not connected with on an emotional level. I know the majority will say they could never sleep with someone that they do not have a connection with, but that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about the crushes on celebs, the person you see on the bus when your eyes accidentally meet, those little flames. You don't know anything about them personally, yet you still have a little warmth in your chest. Why? Because there is something about them that you have seen (or thought you had seen, but that's a whole different fiasco) that you liked.

So when you find your significant other, who you will like/love for who they are, you would have found something that you found attractive, right? Potentially something, that you, in general, find attractive. Not necessarily saying, you have a type, but just something. Even if it is an attribute that they DON'T have. I, and I am exposing myself here, personally find blonde guys less attractive because I am blonde and my brother is blonde, and, well, you do the math. Means I have a preference to anyone that is not blonde. Disclaimer, this doesn't mean that I couldn't be with someone that is blonde. Or if my partner decided to dye his hair blonde, I wouldn't support that. But I think I have the right to say, it wouldn't be my preference and there shouldn't be a problem with me telling him that I prefer him with darker hair. Can they still dye their hair? Absolutely, I cannot tell them what to do with their body. Should I leave them if they do it despite knowing my opinion? It would be my loss, and would be very stupid of me. I'd love them the same if they changed any part of their body.

Preference isn't a requirement. We shouldn't HAVE to be like someone or something to be accepted and loved and paid attention to. I shouldn't have had to be skinny to be loved. But I would like to think that my partner would tell me what he finds attractive, to be interested and involved enough to care for what I look like (again, another can of worms there). He should feel safe to have a preference. And I should know how to take that into account. After that relationship that made me think that I should obey by certain requirements to 'pass', I struggled when I was just loved for how I was. So I pestered my then-partner to tell me, if he could change something on me, what would it be. I wouldn't let it go, and now I see how forced and uncomfortable that was for him then. He said something very specific. I obsessed over it. 7 years later, I still see that as my problem area on my body, despite knowing that a, I forced him to say something, b, that was a preference, not a requirement. We all have preferences, but none of that should be forced upon on anyone. We all have preferences, and they can change at any point. It's important to know how to relay preferences to each other just as much as actually telling them.

This might be the forever-wanting-to-improve-myself talking though, so let me know if you don't agree. But I think having preferences is healthy, being able to say and receive them is positive communication, and even more so, loving regardless is key.