About quitting poledance

As gyms reopen, pole studios can start offering practice sessions and private lessons. Everyone is buzzing. I am sad. I am sad because now I have to face with the reality of quitting pole dancing.

I always felt like I was behind compared to others. As someone who has no standard working hours nor working days, doesn't drive, and therefore relies on buses, I could never regularly commit to lessons. Sometimes I had more chances to go, sometimes it was a rare occasion. Sometimes by the time I got my rota and knew that I can go to a session, it was booked up. And that is across three lovely studios. I know the irregularity of my training was not my only downfall, but I am also aware of how much progress I used to make when I had a good month with lots of lessons.

Thanks to the pandemic, I had even less chance to pole. Since I moved house in October, my pole is back in its box. Classes have smaller numbers, giving me even less chance to book in last minute. I lost my strength; my flexibility is failing. During the last few months, I tried to avoid Instagram. I don't know if you had noticed, but I have been posting less and less on my main account. That is because every time I open the app, my feed is full of pole dancers. People in studios, not affected by the pandemic. People at home, being able to pole in their houses, doing online classes. Hell, I don't even have space for a stretch class. I can't help but be jealous, feel hurt. I am, of course, admiring their efforts, their talent and hard work. That has not changed. For that, I like seeing their videos. However, seeing my peers acing their sessions fills me with dread about going back. While they all levelled up, I know I have to step down a level or two. And you could say, it will all come back to me so much easier, and maybe you are right, but I can tell you now that my body isn't what it used to be. My confidence isn't what it used to be. And who knows if my schedule this time will allow me to go regularly yet again.

So everyone on their poles at home. I see you, and I admire your determination, your progress. I am cheering you on. Believe me, I wish I was also a little rectangle on your screen on zoom, on Instagram, Facebook, whatever, doing what I love doing the most, exercising, expressing myself, challenging my body and mind. I wish I was still part of that community, I miss it dearly, I miss the feeling of empowerment and belonging. I guess I feel a little left behind (you can guess who was always first in, last out of day-care, but let's not unpack that right now), but that is because I am behind. However, that doesn't have to mean it is over right? I just have to swallow my pride, take it back a notch, and start back up when I have the means. The easy road would be to quit. When do I ever take the easy road? And I have faith that I will be welcomed back in the community too, I promise I haven't really left, I am just on standby, jealously cheering everyone else on.