About the lies and deception

 In 2020 I fell in love twice. This is about the first one.

About same time last year, I was stupidly in love but in a fairy tale, unlikely match, destined to be doomed fashion. The spark, amazing, the intellectual connection, faultless, the support, what I always deserved. People told me, I was beaming happiness. I found love like never before.

And it made me a better person. Little hurdles and inconveniences didn't flip me out as they used to. I was calm, collected and accepting. They gave me all the attention I wanted, the praise, the love. And I gave them my all, they entered my world and I handed the whole to them. I absorbed them and they absorbed me. They knew me better than I knew myself, and I understood them like I never understood anyone before. It wasn't obsessive. But I felt really loved, and happy about that love. It was love I never knew before. The right love.

The relationship, as almost non-existent, I am reluctant to call it that, was short lived. While the love and connection was unique, it ended for the same reason as most my long-term ones. The logistics: distance. Only that later I found out, over 8 months later, that there was more to those logistics. Found out about the lies and deception. And some other reasons that weighed in on their decision of walking out. Big, heavy weights.

What that is, is not for discussion, and how it affected me in general is irrelevant because of where I am by now. But there is a take away.

When there are lies, suddenly everything is questionable. It's easy to doubt every act, every reason and excuse, every word. Even words that were blurted out in moment of haze, ones that were so hard to keep to self because they were burning us from the inside that had to be said. And others, who watched us being happy will naturally show support and will fire that doubt to help us see the evil in the lies, to help us let go of it all.

But when I let go of it all, I also let go of the happiness. And then what am I left with if not just the lies, the deception and the pain? What good is that for me? What good is that for anyone? Do not let them take away the happy parts. As I won't let them take away the feeling of being loved, and loving someone, the right kind of love. Because it was that love that taught me my worth and my needs. I thelped me find the 2nd love of 2020, and the one that I carry with me in my future and will never let go. But that is a story of a different love, one I will have decades to tell.

This story was about the love with lies and deception. And I will still not let anyone tell me it was all lies. I deserved that love.