Operation Transfer Girl

 Dear Healthcare, I cannot help but feel like you are letting me down. I've turned to you on many accounts and been turned away with the same results, you barely heard me, onto the next. You tell me it is normal to struggle, that there is nothing to do, you tell me to unlearn the pain. You tell me that while most part of my body has something wrong with it that's affecting me, I am not broken. You tell me to take yet another paracetamol. I have asked you to help me live a better life and you keeping me on the edge where I cope, and I should because, as you say, it is what it is. I don't think I am asking too much. I am not asking you to perform miracles. I am not asking you to deal with all that's in my head; I am not asking you to provide me with a shoulder to cry on, to untangle my thoughts. I don't expect me to make my worries go away, to shush the voices in my brain, to reason for me to keep going, to pour will-power in me when the existential dread hits. I do a...

As gyms reopen, pole studios can start offering practice sessions and private lessons. Everyone is buzzing. I am sad. I am sad because now I have to face with the reality of quitting pole dancing. I always felt like I was behind compared to others. As someone who has no standard working hours nor working days, doesn't drive, and therefore relies on buses, I could never regularly commit to lessons. Sometimes I had more chances to go, sometimes it was a rare occasion. Sometimes by the time I got my rota and knew that I can go to a session, it was booked up. And that is across three lovely studios. I know the irregularity of my training was not my only downfall, but I am also aware of how much progress I used to make when I had a good month with lots of lessons. Thanks to the pandemic, I had even less chance to pole. Since I moved house in October, my pole is back in its box. Classes have smaller numbers, giving me even less chance to book in last minute. I lost my strength; my flexib...

 I am borderline a hoarder. What is lucky, is that I had to move a million times in the last 10 years. Fine, if you want the real number, I called 13 different places "home" since 2009. In contrast, only a few of them felt really like home. Why did I say that is lucky? Because when I am forced to move, I am forced to sort through my belongings, or most of them, therefore my hoarder lifestyle has never really kicked in. That being said, I still keep every knick-knack for a longer-than-normal/needed/necessary time. If I found it, or it is a scrap of another project, I am so worried about creating waste, about wasting money, I always keep it, just in case it will be good for something. I believe I learnt this behaviour from my grandparents. My mum's parents ALWAYS kept every little piece of metal, wood, textile, paper, you name it. And they were crafty people. They had a lot of projects, always creating something. My grandpa worked at the radio as an engineer, my grandma was...

 I can talk about how much I love my partner or how excited I am about moving in together for hours. I actively am planning our wedding, and think about wanting babies at least 3 times a day. But I am also going to be the person that says you do not need any of those to be a full, happy, successful person. Maybe you don't have those things, or not all of them, because you can't, couldn't so far, or you just don't want to have those things, and that is absolutely fine. We are all in different stages of life. I, for instance, had finished my 2nd degree by the time my partner started his first, and there is only 10 months difference in age between us. I have managed people twice my age at work, and I know many of the younger generation earns double my wage. We go through life differently, because of the choices we make. Society, and many people within, has a rough outline on what the stages should be in which phase of aging, like check-points in a videogame. Unfortunately,...

 It has been a year since we started to feel the consequences of a global pandemic. A year since people stopped going into work, a year since we downloaded Tiktok, a year since we started wearing our masks and gloves. So many things had changed within the space of few weeks, businesses closed, people stuck together and torn apart. The normal flow of life had slowed down and sped up, changed courses and swapped priorities. Do you ever think, what if Covid-19 never hit? Where would you be? What would be different and what would be the same? If you were back waking up in your bed on the 28th February 2020, what would be your first thoughts of hope on how your day will look like? Around that time, I was excited for a change, excited for packing up and leaving, leaving my job, leaving my house, my friends, the city, leaving it all to start again. I was excited for an opportunity, one that comes around once in your life, a promotion with a life upgrade. Including a move and life-style ch...

 Hi, I'm Lilla, and I am not perfect, but I am trying. I have been very self-absorbed in the past, selfish, if you will. Depression and existential dread often does that to you. I wasn't malicious I just didn't care, but also I didn't think me changing my ways will help the bigger picture, even more so, me changing wouldn't be enough, or I couldn't change enough to make it count. And that's where I was wrong. Every little thing we do better are helping to be better. I have recently seen a woman talking about going vegan, being vegan, and the reaction she often gets from people. Yes, I am getting inspo from tiktok anecdotes,  what are you going to do about it? She said that way too many people want to make the step but can't give up one or two things, because they are necessary in their diets, or those are their favourite foods. She said that this shouldn't hold someone back from giving up all the other things though. And that very much resonated with...

 Starting a new series within the CCC Wednesdays, posting about gifted projects, sharing creations I made on prompt or as a crafting kit. I love these because they are genuinely the kindest presents from friends and family, who know how much creativity means to me. They are also pushing me to try new things and techniques. And this one is a prime example. I have seen diamond paintings everywhere before, my Tiktok algorithm went through a phase of showing me several ASMR DP videos on my FYP. So when I got this kit for my birthday back in September, I was excited. Especially because of the cows, the vibrant colours and it was a decent size, not too small, but not impossibly big. When we went into lockdown for the third time in January, I knew that getting it done will be my priority. Little did I know how long it will take. First, I thought it will be mundane because it doesn't require creative input, it is very repetitive. You pick up a "diamond", place it on its designate...

 I couldn't tell you where this memory/thought process came from, but I thought I would share it with you, maybe someone can relate. I always find myself in the same position, regardless my age: adults trusting me with their absence. Let me explain. My mother worked in a children's hospital when I was in my early to mid teens. She would work on A&E and that means long hours, so I often went to visit her if she was behind the reception in the afternoon, on evenings or on weekends. It was just normal to pop in, or stick around if I was waiting for an appointment for myself in a different department. Now, fair enough, most of my mother's colleagues knew me, so they had no problems with me sticking around in the staff room, or even behind the desk. But why they allowed me to talk to patients (they often assumed I was an employee or an intern), record their details on the computer or walk them down to the correct examination room is way beyond me. Another example: I don'...

 I am not sure when did my obsession with cows started, but I know that for a long time I couldn't and wouldn't draw anything else, but cows. I would doodle them in my and others' textbooks, on cards, people's arms (oh those high school days!), and they would be my go-to in any situation. When we played association games in class, everyone called me a cow. Not offensively, most of the time. Ten years later, and I still have a huge box full of cow relics. Because of how big part of me cows are, I wanted to pour them into a physical, practical form as a Christmas gift for my family. I decided to make a calendar, or I shall say cowlendar. This was my first time using touchpen drawing, first time using Sketchbook. Shout out to my mate setting both up on my laptop. The hardest part was to find the right tools and try to use the consistently across the different designs. I don't think I got them perfect, and 2 months and a lot more practice later, I could probably draw th...

This might be controversial, and it will be a messy blob of words but this is what I think, and I am not really sure yet how to explain... I know I wrote about their expectations and ours in part one, where I went on about how I have very specific standards I want to uphold myself to, while my partner loves me the same. You could say, it's never about the looks, he loves what's inside, not what's on the outside. On the other hand, I had boyfriends in the past who would only pay real attention to me if I stayed under a certain weight. When I felt he had been drifting away from me, I just had to make sure my ribs were showing under my top. So I am true advocate of people not telling their partners how they should look in order to love them and stay with them. To an extent. I still think it is important to understand that we all have preferences, because, with all honesty, we do find some people attractive for certain attributes, and looks are included in that. And I don't...

 Damn, I do like these Cs, don't I... If you have ever been on the creative/marketing/small business side of tiktok (my favourite), then you know Canva. If not, here is my take on it: it is a free digital design platform that is widely used for social media and other quick content creation. The pro (pay) version has many benefits such as being able to connect and schedule multiple social media accounts so one can post simultaneously in the right formats. But I am happy with the free stuff. Now, to my knowledge, you cannot free-hand on Canva. However, you can upload your designs that you drew in other programs and use them. If that isn't your thing, Canva provides you with thousands of free images, elements, backgrounds, font types; and even more that you can purchase for use. It has gifs or you can animate any of the designs. It uses colour wheels AND colour codes. So I have been having the best time of my life bringing my compositions to life. I like to call them compositions ...

 What I remember is this: I was always wanting more, to do more, to be more. The need for accomplishment? Need for approval? Not ever feeling enough? Being scared of missing out? All of the above and more (see what I did there?). But what I remember is that I usually finished the general tasks quick, so I had time and brain power for the extra bits. That I liked doing the extracurricular activities, the additional homework, because they were always so much more exciting, actually making my brain work. Also knew that if I did the extra homework, then they gain advantage against future slacking on the every-day boring stuff, sort of banking it against them. I signed up to drawing and writing competitions, so I don't have to be in school for a day, volunteered to help the teachers so I can skip the downtime of being on the school yard. I did have friends, I liked playing with others and I enjoyed learning. But doing different things from the routine had a thrill. Trying to not miss ou...

 Well hello there! First CC creation over here! Back in lockdown 1, I discovered glass painting. This stemmed from my, and my housemates' alcoholism and the millions of bottles that we had laying about. Now, I am not particularly good with drawing, painting or any sorts of artistic expression as such, but has that ever stopped me from creating? Yes. But it didn't this time. Finding the right products, building the supplies up from nothing was hard. Especially, because I can get veeeery stingy with things like this. I love a bargain, I love the knock offs. That's because I know myself, I easily find a project or hobby, obsess over it, struggle, give up, and be left with unfinished items and a bunch of expensive resources. So, instead, I opt for the same scenario, but I will know I spent less money! Sometimes this works out, sometimes you do need to get the quality products though. Which is what I found out after many tries of different paints. Anyway. I found some that actua...

 Jumping on here this week to put many drafts on pause to introduce a new blogday. Starting next week, I will combine what used to be lillamoo's blue cow with OTG (the og blog still exists btw, you may look it up). And therefore, bringing my arts and crafts here midweek to balance out my weekend posts of my opinion that no-one asked for. Except it won't just be arts and crafts but my journey of learning different techniques, digital and physical. Some will be gifts for others, some will be gifted projects from others. Nevertheless, feel free to try it out yourselves too. Also launching a separate IG account for my own projects, so it looks more professsh. So give it a follow (albeit it's still empty) on @casacookiecrafts. See you on CasaCookie days next!

 I met my partner at the highlight of my self-confidence and what I consider to be my best potential. It was the end of lockdown 1, when I had two whole months to work on myself, both mentally and physically with no interruptions, no time limit, no pressure. I was my skinniest, strongest, I had finally made the leap and dyed my hair, which just made me feel like a badass. I was experimenting with more glamorous make-up and outfits. I could live out my creativity on the numerous projects I had going on at once. And let's admit, I was going through a glow-up after a heartbreak. So all in all, when we met on the 1st July, on the day I first returned to work, I was fit. I was already stressed and worked up after less than 8 hours of the job, but I looked amazing in my little denim skirt, pink crop top; making way-too-much glitter work as if I just got off a photoshoot for a fashion designer. That's the me he first ever got to see in person, took on one, two, three dates. Six months...

 Today I was pleasantly surprised. I took the opportunity to reach out to a company I wanted to apply for a job with. It was the first time I pushed myself to contact someone for "any questions" from a job posting and I was ever so delighted to hear a lovely, bubbly voice on the other end, it helped me slip back into my "phone voice" after weeks of limited conversation with anyone but my cat. Amongst other things, I wanted to ask her about the specific requirements, especially regarding technical knowledge, as all specifics were purely listed under 'desirable' and not 'essential'. The job description was everything I was looking for, meaning that this is not the first job I would be applying for with the same or similar title. However, most of these previous postings were all throwing software names at you from all kind of angles, as if the person applying used to be managing the position in question and they decided, they had enough of the higher sa...

 In 2020 I fell in love twice. This is about the first one. About same time last year, I was stupidly in love but in a fairy tale, unlikely match, destined to be doomed fashion. The spark, amazing, the intellectual connection, faultless, the support, what I always deserved. People told me, I was beaming happiness. I found love like never before. And it made me a better person. Little hurdles and inconveniences didn't flip me out as they used to. I was calm, collected and accepting. They gave me all the attention I wanted, the praise, the love. And I gave them my all, they entered my world and I handed the whole to them. I absorbed them and they absorbed me. They knew me better than I knew myself, and I understood them like I never understood anyone before. It wasn't obsessive. But I felt really loved, and happy about that love. It was love I never knew before. The right love. The relationship, as almost non-existent, I am reluctant to call it that, was short lived. While the lo...

When I was first furloughed at the end of April, for two weeks, I did nothing. And that was cool. Then it got boring, tiring and damaging to do nothing. I had all the time in the world, something I had never experienced before, as even at Uni I spent my summers working. As I found out, time can be overwhelming. I had so many things I wanted to do and try. It took me a few weeks until I managed to find the right balance for me. Again, for the first time probably since high-school (that's 7 years peeps), I finally had a routine: I got up in the morning early, did some online learning, smashed through some job applications or worked on my CV, cooked lunch (I skip breakfast even on a good day, it is all about the 2 cups of coffee and the biscuits in the morning), watched something while I ate and the food was settling, then I went for a run and worked out for another 1-2hours. My evenings were for socialising in the house and doing my crafting. And this was almost every day, without a ...

 2020 was a pretty horrendous year, that's no news. Many horrible things happened, I have been lucky enough that me and my family have not been struck by coronavirus. Lucky, or sensible? Could the majority of people have avoided the devastation by being more careful? I can't and won't judge that. And as the self-centred person I am, this is about me and my year. Not a BBC news recap. 2020 was a pretty horrendous year, that's no news. I haven't been to Hungary since February. I have barely seen my relatives this year. I have been furloughed, leaving me and my messed up mind to my own devices. This is because my workplace shut. The once thriving and overbooked hotel was empty. Then when it reopened, it struggled, it changed, it was hurting, the team reduced, closed, opened, closed, half opened - changed. And it still hasn't settled. It's uncertain. My career, on hold. Had three amazing job opportunities this year. All three, disappeared. One came back. I stepp...